


Caught Between Beats

by TazWren



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bendemption, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Final Battle, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Ghost(s), Gen, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Jedi Ben Solo, My Episode IX, Oh yeah? Sez who?, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Redeemed Ben Solo, That's Not How The Force Works
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2020-06-26 09:59:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19765858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TazWren/pseuds/TazWren
Summary: In the midst of battle, Rey saves Ben's life at great cost. How can the Supreme Leader recover from this sacrifice? Can he either save Rey or learn to live without her?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thewayofthetrashcompactor (BriarLily)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BriarLily/gifts).



> For House Swolo's July gift collection for House Crylo!
> 
> Written to prompt from thewayofthetrashcompactor - there may have been some liberties taken with it!

Through the billowing clouds of ash and smoke that grayed out the landscape, dotted with spots of angry, red flames and the groans of the injured, they were led by the one visceral scream that rent the air around them, unrelenting, tortured, anguished.

The scream devolved into painful sobs as the Resistance fighters topped the knoll and then came to an abrupt halt, staring in horror at the scene in front of them. A large man, all in black, blood streaked and sodden with sweat, on his knees in the torn up grass and mud, his extinguished lightsaber fallen beside him. Kylo Ren. The Supreme Leader.

And in his arms the limp, ashen form of the scavenger from Jakku, the one they said was Luke's last student—Rey, the rumoured last jedi—equally bloodsoaked and preternaturally still. 

As they watched, Kylo Ren bent over her, his body shaking with the force of his weeping, the sound of his crying not unlike that of a wounded animal. They could just about make out that he was repeating the same thing over and over: "Not you! Please! No!"

When one fighter raised his blaster, wondering why the rest of the troop wasn't using the golden opportunity to take down their known enemy, he found his barrel turned away by the captain who was keying his comm unit, calling for the General. 

The unit stood guard, most of them unsure who they were watching over, until the speeder tore across the ground and slammed to a halt right by Ren, Commander Dameron and the General spilling from it in an undignified rush. Then, they watched bemusedly as their beloved General Leia stumbled next to the Supreme Leader, enfolding him and the seemingly dead Rey in her arms. 

—

As Leia held the son she had feared would never return to her, she could only wonder at the devotion that Rey had inspired in him - there was no other word for what was unfolding before her. Ben remained bent over Rey, whimpering and at the same time, drawing great amounts of energy into himself to pour into her unresponsive body. How long they remained on their knees, while Ben bargained with the Force for Rey's life, Leia would never know. Not that she would dare interrupt what was happening even though her limbs were screaming for respite. 

However, for all that he tried, Rey remained unresponsive, her hand limp in his, turning colder by the minute.

"General, we need to go. We need to get her to a medbay and fast." Poe urgently interjected, breaking the moment that held them in its fist. Leia looked from Rey to Ben, before nodding as his eyes closed in resignation. He wasn't going to fight them on this. 

While the Commander called for the med unit that had been on standby, his General peered closely into the face of the man who, until possibly this very minute, had been ranged against them. He remained staring down into Rey’s face, the aura of the force energies still visible as he continued to try for her.

“Ben, what happened? I assume you didn’t do this to her?”

Ben reared back, his eyes flashing with anger and the resurgence of an old, deep hurt. “Of course I didn’t hurt her! I would never… how _like_ you to think that.” he spat, as his hands curled into fists against the woman in his arms.

“I never said you did. That much is obvious, or you wouldn’t be in this state.” Leia regarded him calmly, holding his eyes until he looked away, brow furrowed as he reflexively clutched Rey closer to him.

“She… saved my life. She just threw herself in the path of the shot meant for me, instead of… _using_ the force to stop it!” His hoarse whisper was tinged with anger. Anger at her, anger at himself, anger at everything that had led them to this point.

“Who shot her?” Leia’s question was soft, but laced with steel. 

“Hux.” He spat the name out with all the venom he was capable of. The fact that Ben had force-choked the life out of the First Order general the very second he’d seen him shoot Rey did nothing to lessen his rage.

—

In the end, they had to pry Rey from Ben by force - he seemed incapable of letting go. The blue aura that surrounded them both intensified for a heartbeat before it vanished, though not completely. Rey's body still held a faint shimmer that encased her before settling against her skin, like she was wearing the stars as a bodysuit. Then, the shimmering permeated her before disappearing from sight. 

There was dead silence as everyone watched the phenomenon, not knowing what was happening. Ben himself stared, his tears forgotten as they continued to drip down his face, his hands still outstretched as though to beg her back while Rey was being secured by the med staff.

After the unit sped off, making for the Resistance base and the medbay there, the Resistance fighters exchanged glances - were they now supposed to arrest the former Supreme Leader? If former he was? Poe intercepted the glances and shook his head, ordering the unit to re-form and return to base.

Once his orders had been followed, Poe turned to look at Leia and the man he now supposed was the former Supreme Leader. Although surrender had neither been asked for, nor offered, he would have bet his last credit that Kylo Ren—or was he now Ben Solo?—would return to the Resistance base with his mother. 

“I’m coming with you.” Kylo’s voice brooked no debate, his face stony as he stared at his mother - a truculent son drawing the battlelines? No, the defiance hid a fear that he wouldn’t be permitted to return with them. A long moment passed before Leia nodded her acquiescence.

As Kylo rose stiffly, staring off in the direction the med unit had sped off to before hesitantly offering a hand to help Leia stand up, Poe realized that the man in front of him was not the same one who had captured him on Jakku. It was as though a different person looked out through the same eyes. A disturbing thought, the Resistance Commander concluded as he brought the speeder around and held it steady while his General and former enemy boarded, and not one he was equipped to deal with just then.

They had the Supreme Leader of the First Order ostensibly in Resistance hands - it was time to put an end to things as they had stood. 

—x—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big Love to my betas, [Cecilia1204](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cecilia1204/pseuds/Cecilia1204) and [MyJediLife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyJediLife) 💙
> 
> And to Azuwrite for the stunning moodboards she made me!


	2. Chapter 2

Of all the possible ways, and places, in which to be back in his mother’s presence, he would never have imagined this. Yet, here they were, sitting on opposite sides of a wide table looking, for all intents and purposes, as though they were about to have a civilized conversation. Before Rey, he would never have expected that his mother would forgive him long enough to speak to him. Now… now she sat across from him, watching him quietly and seemingly just as happy as he to remain in silence. 

He couldn’t tolerate the inactivity, though. So he rose and began to pace, his fists sporadically clenching as he attempted to release some of the tension winding through him, choking him. This was neither capture nor surrender - this was just him  _ needing _ to be as close to Rey as he could,  _ needing _ to know that she would be alright. This was a facsimile of an unspoken truce, whilst mother and son waited for news of the person they both cared about, locked in a conference room while the pilot— _ Commander, now— _ waited outside. 

It didn’t even bother him that his concern was transparent - he didn’t care who saw or what they thought. He only cared that she lived. 

_ For her to have so stupidly sacrificed herself - to have valued his life over her own… he was worthless, his life meant nothing if she didn’t survive…  _

His thoughts spun dizzyingly, spurring his ferocious turning and pacing, drowning out all noise and threatening to choke him if he let the despair take hold.

“Ben.”

_ He should have killed Hux long before it came to this… he should never have let her leave… he should have… _

He continued to spin about his parabolic orbit, not realizing that he was now pawing for his absent lightsaber, it having been left at the door of the room they were in, along with Leia’s blaster. 

“BEN!”

Her raised voice finally broke through his inner turmoil, making him stop and turn to her as his mother stared at him, leaning forward to search his face. 

“Stop beating yourself up about something you can’t change. You had no control over what Rey chose to do,” Leia stressed, waving him into a seat as she did, “You’re broadcasting louder than a herd of bantha!”

Glaring at her, he ignored the seat, choosing instead to plant his feet and cross his arms. “What’s taking them so long? If your pathetic Resistance doctors can’t take care of her, then I’m taking her back to my ship. We’re wasting time.” he growled.

He pretended that the steely look she shot him no longer had any effect on him.

Before she could respond, berating him or otherwise, the door opened and Poe stepped in, looking between the both of them.

“What is it, Poe? How is she?” Leia’s question was no less than a command, the firmness in her voice disguising the surge of concern Ben could feel from her. 

“I…” he began, uncharacteristically hesitant before he squared his shoulders and turned to face Leia. “Dr.Kalonia asks if you could come to the medbay right now - there’s something that’s beyond her, she says.”

“I  _ knew  _ I couldn’t trust her to your people!” As her son surged forward, anger twisting his features, Leia flung a hand out, staying him as she looked intently at Poe. 

Then, she nodded and gestured Ben forward. 

“General, wait, I’m not sure that’s the best idea.” Poe flicked a look at the visibly disturbed Supreme Leader.

“We’re going to the medbay, both of us. Ben is the only other Force user in the galaxy and she will need him.” Leia looked at her son, as she made the pronouncement. “He is not going to hurt her.”

The truth of her words was visible to them all, written across Ben’s face.

“But...”

Raising her chin, Leia fixed her next-in-command with a look that brooked no argument. “Now, Commander.”

—

As Poe led the way deep into the base, he tried to ignore how surreal it was that he was personally escorting the very man he would have killed to keep far away from where they were. Much less give him free access to the General. 

Families were funny things, especially this one, he concluded. If the General wanted her son with her, he wasn't going to be able to shake her. However, if Kylo Ren tried anything— _ anything at all— _ then Poe would be on him like a tick on a Tusk cat. 

As they approached the medbay, they left stunned Resistance personnel in their wake, staring at the sight of Leia and the Supreme Leader walking grimly, side by side.

Entering, they were beckoned by the doctor to a screened-off section at the far end. The three of them stopped short at the sight that greeted them - the supine form of Rey, encased in a glass and metal cylinder, pale and bloodless to the eye.

"What-" Kylo choked off, his gloved hand rising towards her.

"Why isn't she in a bacta chamber?" Leia asked as she stepped forward.

Eyeing both mother and son, Dr.Kalonia rested a hand lightly on the glass. "She had no open wounds, nothing external I could find that needed healing. However, there's something blocking us from scanning her internally, and I can't even detect a pulse."

"What did you do to her?" Poe rounded furiously on Kylo, his teeth bared and fists clenched. 

If he even noticed the fury directed at him, the man in black gave no sign as he fell to his knees, horror staining his features. Shaking his head, he raised his hand again, straining towards the cylinder that held her.

Beside him, his mother also focused on Rey's inert form, her eyes closing as she did.

Then, with a jolt, they both reared back and stared at each other. 

"She's not dead-" he started saying before trailing off, covering his mouth with his hand.

"But, she's not alive either." Leia finished for him, saying the words he clearly couldn't.

The silence felt heavy, smothering, till Poe broke it, stepping up to stare down at the face of his friend. "How is that possible? What did you do?" This time his question was softly spoken as he looked back over his shoulder.

"I was just trying to heal her, keep her from bleeding out, keep her energies inside her." He would never have guessed that Kylo Ren could sound so broken. 

"It feels like there's a shield of some kind around her body. Ben, what was that you tried just before we brought her back? I've never seen that happen before." Leia turned to him, asking urgently as she did, "Is that what's blocking us now?"

Ben looked at his mother for a long moment, realization dawning in his eyes. 

"A Force Net." he breathed, "It's settled under her skin. That's why we can't get through to her."

"Can you remove it?" Dr.Kalonia asked, evidently wont to focus on that which she could work with. 

If anyone had missed it before, the devastation on his face was clear as the words dropped with the weight of a stone. 

"I don't know how to."

  
  


—x—


	3. Chapter 3

It was almost the end of the night cycle, planet-side, and yet the Resistance comm center buzzed with activity. Messages went back and forth between the base and the First Order fleet that remained in orbit; a once-rare occurrence that appeared to have become the new normal.

Kylo Ren had issued a fleet-wide order—one that had been properly verified and his credentials confirmed thrice over—for the First Order to stand down. No move was to be made against the Resistance - the Supreme Leader was personally handling the situation on the ground. No-one knew whether to call it a negotiation or not, but no-one was going to be the first to ask. On either side.

The man himself hung suspended between stimulant-fueled hyperactivity and bone-deep exhaustion, just this side of wakefulness. He raised eyes gritty with the need for rest to look at the equally gray face of his mother, seated next to him.

As he did, he thought he saw Rey's face flicker into view in front of his tired eyes. Before he could blink, there was nothing there, just empty air and Leia looking at him expectantly. Convinced he was now imagining what he desperately wished for, he brushed it aside and focused on the matter at hand.

"What now?" It wasn't an adversary nor a political opposite who asked the question, but a son desperate for guidance. 

Leia laid a hand over his gloveless one, lying limply on the table between them. 

"Now, you get yourself checked by the medics and get some rest."

Angrily, he shook his head. "I can't rest, not until I figure out how to get through to Rey and bring her back."

"Ben, you're dead on your feet and, frankly, so am I. In this state, you're likely to do more damage than help. Not that I'm saying you damaged her to start with," Leia raised a finger to silence his angry retort, even before it spilled from his lips, "but mistakes are easily made when exhausted. You need to rest, meditate even, maybe."

She was right, of course she was. He knew that. However, submitting to another person, even when he’d asked for her input himself, was beyond difficult for him. Especially now, with his hard-won freedom from Snoke. In a flash of rare insight, Leia recognized this and leaned in to say, softly, as she spoke to the man and not the boy. “Rey needs you, Ben. Get some rest, so you can keep going. For her.”

His every protest effectively muted, he nodded as he acquiesced. Then, he paused as remembered something he needed to do. “I need to get back into the First Order systems - there are files I have stored in the archives that I need to access. I’ll rest after that.”

“What files?”

He hesitated, uneasy not for the first time, before he answered her, his voice grim. “My notes from study and searches I’d made for the ancient Sith texts.”

Leia drew away from him at this reminder of just who her son had been most recently trained by. Even though Snoke was dead, his influence, the filthy tendrils of his touch, remained. 

“Why do you need those?” It was hard to keep the distaste from her voice, though she did mask the throb of fear at the thought of her Ben having anything to do with the dark side of the Force. Again.

He looked at her for a long moment, before shaking his head. “You know I can feel your fear?” He sounded almost saddened by it. Then, he continued, “I need to find a way to break that Force Net. I never meant to cast it in the first place - that wasn't supposed to happen."

Leia's eyes sharpened and she leaned forward to grasp his arm. "Will the Jedi Texts help?"

"What?" He stared at her, not comprehending what she was saying. 

"The Jedi Texts," she repeated, a touch impatiently, "Can they help you to break this?"

"Theoretically, yes, but no-one knows where those are." he dismissed.

With a grim smile Leia stood up, patting his arm as she did. "Good thing, then, that I do. I'll have them sent to you."

"Wait, how do you…" he trailed off as he connected the dots.

"Rey," he breathed, looking at his mother for confirmation, which she was quick to give.

Nodding, Leia gathered her robes and strode to the door to key it open. "She brought them back with her. Get some rest, Ben. You're going to need it before you start cracking the books." 

—

It was the last person he'd expected to see when the doorway of the room he'd been shown to, scissored open. 

_He watched the light fade from Han’s eyes as his father slipped off the saber and tumbled over the side of the bridge, the fleeting touch of his fingers brand-hot against his cheek. Contrasting the unnerving chill that spread through his limbs as the weight of reality settled in his bones. In his heart. Then, agony--literal fire--lancing through his side. Through the haze of pain, he peered up from where he was doubled over to see-_

Chewbacca’s hands were no longer wrapped around his bowcaster - instead he carried a stack of ancient, leather-bound tomes. The sacred texts, scavenged by the very person who now needed the knowledge they contained. 

Ben froze, unsure of what to say or do. The last time he’d seen his uncle, the wookiee had tried to kill him.

_No, if Chewie had wanted him dead, he would have died on Starkiller. Followed his father over the edge._

Stepping forward, Chewie thrust the books at Ben, a rumbling growl bursting from his lips as though no longer able to be contained. 

Hot shame washed over Ben, as he automatically clasped the texts, the wookiee’s anger and heartbreak echoing in his ears.

“Wait!” he called, as Chewie turned to leave. “You’re right - I don’t deserve her. But I’m all she’s got right now.” 

Chewie’s shoulders tensed before slumping and he spoke softly, the growled words reluctant, and yet, acting as a balm to Ben’s soul. It wasn’t forgiveness, but there was acceptance. It would do, it would have to do. 

Later, lying on his back in the dark, his eyes nonetheless trained on where the texts lay on the desk, Ben let the wookiee’s words run through his mind.

“ _Sunshine believed in you, she still does, even after everything. Just make sure you bring her back.”_

_If it’s the last thing I do -_ Ben promised, not quite sure to whom, as sleep finally claimed him. His eyes slipping shut, he failed to notice the hazy, blue form that materialized at the foot of his bed, looking down at his slumbering self, and then back down at herself, in growing horror.

  


—x—


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is becoming a theme with me, but am so sorry to have kept people waiting for this update. All creativity dried up for a few months and its taken me a bit to break through the block and make progress. The good news is that I have gotten quite a bit written, so this train is moving! Thank you for sticking with me <3

Ben stirred slowly, raising his head up off his arms and groaning at the stiffness in his neck and back. It hadn’t been the first time he’d fallen asleep while pouring over the Jedi texts, desperate for a clue, for something that would help him bring Rey back. And he wagered it wouldn't be the last. 

As he rose from the desk and stretched, he paused as he caught a flash of blue from the corner of his eye. He’d been seeing that flash on and off for the past few days—sensing more than seeing—but had been too preoccupied to ponder on it. 

_A dangerous mistake, Kylo Ren._

He shuddered, the phantom imaginings of a now-dead master still able to make him break into a sweat, still feel that slimy, cold touch skittering over his consciousness. How had he ever imagined that Snoke had wanted what was best for Ben? How had he ever told himself that this was a master who cared about his apprentice? It had taken the fierce determination and whole-hearted belief of a ragged scavenger to wake him from his stupor.

The first time she’d spoken to him through the bond had been in anger. He’d felt its blistering heat. And yet, as they kept connecting, he’d felt it waver as his questions raised questions of her own. And then, after exploring the dark herself, she'd confided in him, let him see how broken she was. As though he hadn't already gleaned that the first time he’d touched her mind and gloried in what could be. _Someone else who was like him._

At the time, what she needed was comfort, and he found himself more than willing to give it to her, to assure her that she was not alone, that he understood. And with the fewest of words, she did understand exactly what he was trying to tell her. Or so he thought. 

When their hands touched, it had been like the sun forcing itself past blinds that had been ripped from the windows, flooding his mind, flooding him with everything that could be, would be. If only she had joined him.

It had taken seeing Snoke do to her what had always been done to him to make him realize that he could not let Rey be taken. That she meant more to him than anything else. In what little time they’d had, she’d stolen her way past his defenses, until she was what made his heart beat. Killing Snoke had never been something to think twice about. It had to be done—it was the only way to save Rey. And he’d felt how the Force sang at the balance between them as they fought the Praetorian guards, perfect foils for each other as they spun and slashed and decimated in unison.

As the flicker appeared again, he paused in his stretching and turned to face it, his eyes widening as he saw a blue-lit form take shape in front of him. Horror, fear, and other emotions he had no conscious name for filtered into him, like ice skittering down his spine as the form solidified and the woman raised her head to look at him.

“Rey?” The name spilled in a broken whisper as he regarded the Force ghost in front of him. 

“Ben, what’s happening? What’s wrong with me? I can’t remember...” she broke off as her eyes fell on the books next to him. She turned to take in the room around them, before returning to look over him, stopping on his face. 

“Where are you? Are those-”

“The Jedi texts, yes. And I’m on the Resistance Base.” Unable to help himself, he raised a hand to try and touch her, shuddering as it just passed through her.

Jerking, Rey looked down at his hand and then back up, hope and terror warring in her eyes. “Wha- why can’t you touch me? Did you turn? Ben, did you come back?”

“Rey, I-” Shaking his head, Ben tried to speak but found he needed to breathe instead, the tightness in his chest growing as he looked at the evidence of his greatest failure in front of him. 

“Ben, what’s going on?” she asked again.

“I tried to save you, I thought did. But if you’re here, like _this_ … I don’t think I succeeded after all.” His voice broke and he couldn’t stop himself from stumbling back, collapsing on the edge of the bunk. “I failed, Rey. I lost the only thing that meant anything to me in this whole galaxy.”

Silence greeted his words, before she spoke softly, “So, I’m dead?”

“I don’t want you to be.” There was no response and, when he finally raised his head, he found she was gone. And he was alone. Again.

It appeared that the Force was just as capricious in life as in death.

—

A faint beeping noise permeated the air behind Ben as he stood staring down at Rey’s unresponsive form in Dr.Kalonia’s medbay.The chill of the air seemed to mirror the chill that crept through him, freezing the air in his lungs, freezing the blood in his heart as he stared with tear-blurred eyes at the one person who had believed in him. And whom he’d let down so badly. 

“Ben, what’s happened? I came as soon as I could.” He barely heard his mother enter behind him and ask her soft question. When she laid a hand against his shoulder he shook his head and mutely pointed to Rey, afraid to put into words what he’d seen with his own two eyes.

Getting no response from her son, Leia turned to the doctor. “Harter? Has anything changed? Why did you ask me to come so urgently?” 

Dr. Kalonia flicked a look at the looming Supreme Leader and then said in calm tones, “He says he saw her as a Force ghost, that it means she’s no longer alive.”

“What?” Leia’s head whipped around to look at Rey before turning to her son. “Ben, is this true?” The heartbreak in her voice made him finally speak, raising his eyes to her as he did. 

“In my rooms, I saw her today. It… she…” taking a deep breath, he continued. "She can’t possibly be alive if I can see her as a Force apparition.”

Clasping a hand over her mouth, Leia slumped against her son, not even seeming to realize when his arm came around to support her. 

“I don’t understand the intricacies of the Force, but you should know that I don’t agree with that conclusion, General,” Dr. Kalonia offered, some hesitation in her voice.

Both mother and son fixed her with an eerily identical look before Leia spoke. “Go on? You think there’s a chance she’s still alive?”

“Look, her body is in stasis—there are neither signs of improvement or deterioration or decay. If she were dead, it would show. I think whatever Force thing you did,” and here she looked straight at him, “is holding her in some sort of suspended animation—sort of like being in a coma—and we don’t write someone who’s in a coma off as dead. Not until we’ve tried everything.”

“What can you try?” Ben leaned forward, a faint hope blossoming on his face.

“Me? Nothing. But I think there may still be something you can do. Otherwise, we’d be able to see her go, in my opinion.” 

The doctor fixed him with a look, “This is now in your hands.”

—x—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big love to 
> 
> [Cecilia1204](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cecilia1204/pseuds/Cecilia1204), [elle_vee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elle_vee/pseuds/elle_vee) and [MyJediLife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyJediLife) for the edits and for keeping me sane!
> 
> [Namesonboats](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Viken2592/pseuds/Namesonboats) for the lovely moodboard!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to post this chapter till after the New Year, but how could I leave things knowing I could make sure the Jedi Masters did _not_ fail Ben Solo, in fic if not on film?
> 
> On this last day of 2019, the masters WILL come in Ben's hour of need. 💙

Ben paced, furrowing his hands through his hair as he tried to think of anything he could have missed that could prove Dr. Kalonia correct. Spinning on his heel, he stopped abruptly at the sight of Rey standing in front of him, looking calmly at him. 

“You’re going to wear a track in the floor if you keep this up, Ben.” she said, her voice soft with worry.

“I’m trying to find a way to bring you back!” His anger, his desperation was for the situation, and she seemed to know that, watching as he continues to pace.

“Is that even possible?” There was something resigned about the way she asked him the question that made his heart twist. 

  
  


He stopped, glaring fiercely at the floor as he shoved a hand through the hair falling in disarray over his forehead. “There has to be. You can’t be gone before I-”

A beat of silence and then she asked, her voice tentative, “Before you what?”

He hesitated, knowing what lay in his heart, but still unsure of letting someone close enough to see. 

“What Ben? What were you going to say?" There was something urgent about the way she urged him, almost like she _needed_ to hear what he had to say.

He fought against the fear that beat at him, a fear of being laughed at, of being rejected. But this was Rey. No one understood him like she did. And if he couldn’t tell her when she was like this, well then, when else would he be able to?

“Before I tell you how much you mean to me. Before I tell you that I love you.” He said, hoarsely, the words leaving him feeling exposed and vulnerable. _If she rejected him..._

There was complete silence behind him, and Ben’s shoulders drooped in defeat at the thought that she was gone again. Then she spoke, asking in a voice filled with quiet wonder. “You love me?”

He nodded, turning slowly to see her smiling at him, her eyes alight with joy. 

“That wasn't so difficult, was it?”

No. He shook his head.

“I’m glad you told me, Ben," she said, softly, "I used to be so afraid of being alone, of being left behind. I thought you were different, that you could be what I was looking for. I’m glad I wasn’t wrong.” 

“I could never leave you behind!” His voice was rough as he stepped closer to her, his hands flexing with the effort of not reaching for her.

“I know. I see that. I loved you too, you know.” There was a fierce possession in her tone.

_She loved him._

For a moment he was caught between joy and despair as his every hope and worst nightmare, all rolled in one, stood in front of him. 

And then she was gone, flickering out like a candle caught in a gust of wind. 

  
  


—

Ben opened the door to a quiet knock, blinking at the sight of his mother standing in front of the portal. Not that she couldn't. It was just that she hadn't come to see him in the day or two that they had been here. _Was that all the time that had passed?_ It seemed like an eon since he’d felt the sickening lurch when the bolt had hit Rey, a charge meant for a much larger person. Meant for him. One that she’d willingly thrown herself in front of. 

He barely knew how he got through the minutes— _hours—_ of desperate terror that had followed without rending something to shreds. Only then did he realize that he _hadn’t_ succumbed to a fit of temper, not once. Nor had he been tempted to, despite how frustrating and maddening working with the Resistance had been. 

Working together. Not something he would have expected, not in this lifetime. Not after everything he’d done. He had no illusions about himself.

Yet, here she stood, his mother, the General of the Resistance, quietly asking if she could come in. Like the entire base wasn’t hers. In that moment, he almost didn't remember that he was the Supreme Leader of the largest armed force in the galaxy. He was just a broken son looking at his mother. 

As she settled on the bunk, he perched against the desk, feeling too restless to sit. 

He’d felt like ants were crawling under his skin ever since the doctor had told him that she didn't think that Rey was actually dead. Rather than berate himself for losing hope too quickly, he was trying to wrestle all his memories of his training, his skill, to see if he could find something he might have missed. The Jedi texts were slow going. It had been a long time since he’d had to do studying of any kind. As a Padawan, he’d loved pouring over the histories and absorbing knowledge like a sponge. Now... now he feared he was too broken, too used to other means of learning. 

“Too late it never is, young Solo.” At the creaking voice that emanated from a corner that had been empty until that moment, his head whipped around to stare at the glowing blue form of a hunched little figure, barely as high as his knee. Knobby hands folded over a walking stick, something his mind absently told him was superfluous for a Force ghost, and yet there was no mistaking the wisps of hair on the bald head and the wide, animalistic ears. He’d only ever heard of him from Luke. The master who’d trained the famous Luke Skywalker. Master Yoda. “Learn you can, always. A way there is, the will if you have.”

As Ben gaped, doing his best goldfish impression, Leia bowed at the apparition, her lifetime of training holding her in good stead. “Master Yoda, we are in desperate need of your guidance.”

Two figures appeared next to the little blue Jedi Master, seeming no less clear for all that they were not solid. Humans this time, one of them taller than even Kylo himself. 

“Princess, you once thought I was your last hope. It appears another Ben is your only hope now.” The shorter of the two tucked his hands into his sleeves as he spoke.

Ben’s head was reeling. Not one, but two, Jedi legends stood in front of him. And unless he missed his guess, the tallest was Qui-Gon Jinn, master to Obi-Wan Kenobi. He’d never imagined he would ever see them, much less be addressed by them so familiarly. Suddenly, he wasn’t a grown man, but a wet-behind-the-ears Padawan, still wearing a braid, gaping at the weight of history that the three beings in front of him carried on their shoulders, in their very bones. 

“You have much of your grandfather’s heart in you, young Ben,” Qui-Gon addressed him in quiet rumbling tones, raising a hand to still the stirrings of his once-apprentice next to him. “Let me finish, Obi-Wan, before you protest. He _is_ much like Anakin, but where his path may differ is that he doesn't look to the dark for answers.” He gestured to where the old, bound texts rested on the desk next to his hand. “We were wrong. We already know that Anakin did not bring balance to the Force as was prophesied. Yet, we were also right.”

Obi-Wan turned from his former master to Ben with understanding on his face. “I see what you mean, Master. The balance will come from Anakin’s grandson.”

“What-” Ben croaked, before clearing his throat to try again, “What are you talking about?”

Something told him he should maybe address the spirits with more respect than that, but he couldn’t be damned unless they had a way to help him save Rey.

Inexplicably, all three chuckled. Were they laughing at him? Ben’s fist tightened at his side as his jaw ticked.

“Much fire in this bloodline runs,” Yoda shook his head, but he didn’t seem disapproving. “Balance, must he find.” 

“You need a teacher,” Qui-Gon announced, crossing his arms as he turned to look straight at Ben. For the space of a heartbeat, he was standing amidst the fir, snow blowing in his eyes, the light from two sabers crackling in his face and illuminating a pair of eyes he was fast getting lost in. Then he was back in a bare cell surrounded by his mother and a bunch of dead people.

“Who-” Leia started to ask, but subsided when the little master turned a knowing eye on her, the smile on his weathered green face mirrored by his other blue-tinged companions. 

—x—


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The First Order and the Resistance begin to forge a new alliance, a New Order.

While it may have seemed settled that Ben was going to receive the training that he desperately needed, the situation with the state of the stalemate forced by Kylo Ren and General Leia was certainly not. 

With Hux gone and the Supreme Leader in seemingly interminable discussions with the Resistance planetside, the forces hovering in limbo were getting restless. 

A worried-looking Mitaka, his nervousness palpable even as a little blue hologram, had asked Ben for what their orders were and gulped at the growled response: “My knights are on their way. Until then, hold your positions.” 

Later that day, Leia asked Poe and Finn to join her and Ben to discuss what needed to be done. They had managed to keep both the First Order and Resistance forces in a state of uneasy truce, but it was evident that the impasse could not last forever. There needed to be a clear line of strategy, next steps and communication to make sure there was no opportunity for unrest.

Leia was all for proposing a decentralized form of government, after disbanding the First Order, a course of action that Ben vehemently opposed. 

“The New Republic had no teeth, your Chancellors had no real authority, no weight with which to back their words. Your populists were so worried about losing control that you did exactly that! Look how easily the First Order took over!”

“Ben!” 

“Am I wrong, General? Mother?” 

No, he wasn't wrong, but Leia didn't like being reminded of the spectacular failure of the New Republic, one that they had all given blood, and even lives, to build in the peace wrested from the fist of a Sith Emperor. 

"You cannot have a Galactic government that is not participatory and built around consensus." Her tone was firm, her years of life as a politician evident.

“Look where you landed with that sort of pacifist thinking! The galaxy is not ready to sit down and play nice just because you say so, Mother! Even you, Hutt-slayer, cannot sway people that way!”

Poe and Finn blinked at that title, looking at each other before turning back to the mother and son duo.

Poe raised a cautious hand and asked, “Excuse me? Hutt-slayer? What am I missing?” 

“Nothing!” Both mother and son glared at him before turning back to each other.

“There needs to be a military power to back decisions, to ensure their execution, and that no one gets delusions of grandeur!” Ben insisted, leaning forward to glower at her.

“That’s no different from the Emperor’s rule, Ben, and you know it! We didn’t sacrifice so much to let that happen again!” Leia spat back, vehement in her stance as she faced her son.

“Why is it always absolutes with you? Black or white? Good or evil?” Ben clutched at his hair in frustration, a vein popping out on his forehead as he struggled not to vent his emotions in the more physical manner he was used to - and that the First Order had learned to fear.

“The Empire-” she began to say.

“Not everything needs to revert to the Empire! Not everyone is the Emperor!” he gritted out.

“But you _are_ a Force wielder. And one who has very obviously and closely aligned himself with the Dark Side. And you apparently have an entire order of force users at your beck and call.”

“I am no Sith, and neither are the Knights of Ren,” he said stiffly.

“No, no you're not, but who knows _that_ distinction?” Leia sounded almost weary as she looked at her son, a faint look of sorrow in her eyes.

“They don’t need to know any more than that I am the Supreme Leader!"

“Wait!” The sound of a hand slapping the table between them broke the intensity between mother and son. As one, they turned to look at Poe. 

“Exactly what you said, General. Who knows anything about the Force these days? Dark, light or otherwise? All they need to know is that he has the ability to wield it.” Finn nodded as Poe looked at each of them before continuing, "Fail-safes. Find a way to build an equally visible fail-safe for a more highly visible force wielder."

Leia stared at her second-in-command, seemingly stunned, before relaxing. Ben could tell that she had not expected this level of maturity of thought in the man she’d trained. Not yet, anyway.

“Also, he has a point, you know,” Finn spoke up, having watched the match between the two leaders in absolute silence until then. 

If Leia narrowed her eyes at Finn, whether in interest or ire he could not tell, Ben looked at him in a stupified manner, having been caught totally off guard by the voice of support from an unexpected quarter.

“Not everyone out there thinks the Resistance is the solution to all our problems.” Raising his hands as if in surrender when Poe turned to glare at him, Finn continued. “I’m not saying they have it right, but you can’t expect to just walk in and build something fresh and new on a shaky foundation. I hate to say it, but the First Order has the might to make people listen. What you need to work out is what you want them to listen to.” He raised his eyebrows meaningfully at the Supreme Leader before turning to his General. “With all due respect, General, you are both right and wrong. From what I can see, the only way forward is to join forces.”

The silence that followed was thick, pulsing with a tension that could be felt in the very air. 

As usual, it was the Commander who defused it, turning to clap a hand on Finn’s shoulder as he grinned wryly. “I knew it was a good idea helping you escape!”

Finn flushed and then looked again at Ben, catching him staring back like he had never seen him before, like he was a puzzle to be solved. “What? You think being a stormtrooper means I didn’t pay attention to what was going on around us?”

Ben shook his head as though coming out of a daze and turned to look at his mother, his mouth tight as he ran his eyes over her. 

Leia was still looking at Finn with narrowed eyes, but the look in her eyes said she was far away, somewhere, thinking, her mind working furiously.

Then, sighing, she sank down in a chair and gestured for all of them to take their seats around the table with her.

“I think you may be right, Finn. However, I don’t see how to make this work if, as you say, people will not accept the Resistance. And Snoke’s tyranny hasn’t exactly made the First Order any friends. This isn't going to be easy.”

"Nothing ever is," Poe shrugged before grinning wryly.

—

Ben sat on a boulder and looked out at the wooded landscape in front of him. In the gathering gloom of the evening, shadows were creeping fast, but none of them were a worry for the Supreme Leader. His eyes trailed over the trees and leaves and rocks, shifting incessantly, driven by the tumultuous thoughts whirling in his mind. He barely saw what he was looking at though he was desperate to find something to focus on, something to pull him from the mire of his own making. 

The meeting with Leia and her officers had ended in a very unexpected fashion—he would never in a million years have thought that they would have agreed that it made sense for him to remain as Supreme Leader. Not that it was a title he wanted. He’d never wanted it. He’d never wanted anything except to be accepted, to belong. He’d lost all hope of ever meaning anything to anyone until a dusty scavenger had come along, throwing him, and consequently the galaxy, into a spin that he was desperately trying to navigate his way through.

The Resistance and the First Order working as one. An unthinkable thought, before her. She’d made it so just by being her. Even without being there in any tangible form, Rey managed to direct the course of his path. Everything for her. Anything for her.

Ben Solo as Leader, Poe Dameron as his Commander of Forces. The final conclusion as far as Leia was concerned. How had they ended up here? 

And the name. That name. _Ben._

He knew he wasn’t the same man as Ben had been. Yet, he felt less like the Kylo that Snoke had wrought. Could he go back, wear the name again? Could he do it and never feel the hot shame of killing Han wash over him every time someone used the name? He didn’t think he could. He might have to, though. Ben Solo, son of Princess Leia and Han Solo, had a far better shot at bringing peace to the galaxy than Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren, disciple of Snoke ever could. Even _he_ knew that, even if he didn’t want to accept it. It felt like accepting that fact rendered everything that happened, from the moment of waking up to see Luke standing over him with an ignited saber, to now, an absolute waste. 

The sound of a twig snapping behind him had him sitting up straighter, berating himself for having let his guard down enough to let someone approach undetected. _You’re getting sloppy, Solo._ He paused, surprised at having thought of himself in such terms, after the path his thoughts had just been down.

Shaking himself of further introspection, he turned his head enough to see who was walking up to him. As he watched, the Resistance commander picked his way over the rocks, a nondescript bottle dangling from his fingers. Cocking an enquiring eyebrow, Poe got a nod in response and proceeded to lower himself to perch on a rock across from Ben. Wordlessly, he offered the bottle, smirking when he was met with a suspicious frown. Scoffing at Ben, he uncorked the bottle and took a healthy swig before proffering it again, swiping at his mouth with the back of his other hand.

This time, Ben took the bottle and cautiously brought it to his lips. It had been years since he’d tasted intoxicants of any sort. He had lived in constant fear of losing control of his power, and once he’d been sent to the Jedi temple, there’d been no chance of any indulgences. His life under Snoke had left him little time to think of, much less crave, any such thing. He had had to remain in a constant state of awareness and control. _Too much of your father’s heart in you… just a child in a mask…_ a whisper of a voice, now hated, filtered into his mind, driving him to swallow more than he’d intended to. Gagging as the alcohol hit the back of his throat, he forced the mouthful down, hacking and gasping for air as the effort made his eyes water. Much as he hated that he was showing weakness in the face of- well, he couldn’t actually consider a potential second-in-command an enemy, but still- he struggled to control his breathing as the man opposite him grinned widely.

“So, who talks first? I talk first?” Poe asked him, echoing a question asked a long time ago on a planet long left behind.

Considering he was in no shape to form words, Ben just glared at him.

Taking a deep breath, Poe sobered, his eyes growing serious as he regarded the taller man in front of him.

“So, this is not exactly where I thought we’d find ourselves.” The inflection made it a question as much as a statement.

Ben shook his head. At least he wasn’t alone in feeling that way.

“Look, I don’t get a lot of the Force stuff going on with you and the General and the two of you talking to walls.”

Ben raised an eyebrow - it appeared the commander was far more observant than he had assumed. 

Shrugging, Poe continued. “You think I wouldn’t keep a close eye on you when you’re with my General? Son or not, your history hasn’t been stellar when it comes to your parents. I see things.” He neither flinched nor looked away from the steely look that Ben leveled at him.

Not that he was wrong, and Ben couldn’t help but feel a twinge of respect that the other man was willing to call him out. However, Poe’s even temper seemed suspiciously calm. Especially given everything he'd just said. 

"Why are you so calm about all this?” Ben asked, “As you just pointed out, I’ve stood for everything the Resistance has fought against." 

"Well, why are _you_ so okay with this? I would’ve expected you to try to choke me or rip into my head by now."

Ben stayed silent, knowing Poe was right. He would have done that, once. 

"See," Poe gave him a knowing look. "Things aren't exactly the same as they were before. Like you said to the General, things aren't always black and white."

He knew it was almost childish, but something in him still insisted on poking at the Commander's calm, irritated that he was so unruffled when Ben had been struggling with finding balance. 

"And that just makes the past go away? Everything that's happened?" He paused, fisting his hands. "Everything I've done?"

"I think you know better than I do that the past doesn’t die. There's no changing anything that's happened." Poe looked down at the bottle before pulling a long drag from it. Swallowing, he went on, his voice low, "I know better than anyone about making mistakes, costing lives, even with the best of intentions. War doesn't leave anyone's hands clean. We've all taken lives for one reason or another, served one master or another."

Ben had never expected that Poe Dameron, of all people, might understand what he's gone through. And yet, it seemed that his mother's golden boy had made his share of deadly mistakes. 

The pilot kept talking, “But I also know you don’t seem like the same person who captured me on Jakku. Things have changed.”

“You think we can actually work together without trying to kill each other?” Ben couldn’t resist asking. 

Again, Poe shrugged. “We’re here, aren’t we? I don’t see any bloodshed. Plus, I have to respect what you’re trying to do for Rey. So, yeah, if for nothing else, I think we can.”

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Rey,” Ben growled, needing to make that clear for some reason, as though the Resistance commander hadn’t seen that with his own eyes from the moment he’d found them on the battlefield.

“That puts us on the same side then, Solo. Let’s build something she can wake up to.”

A silence fell, each following their own thoughts as the weight of what Poe had said settled around them. 

“Then I guess we’re doing this.” Ben stood up and held his hand out, trying not to think of the last time he’d offered his hand to anyone.

Poe grasped it in his and shook it firmly, sealing their understanding between them.

—x—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big love to
> 
> [Cecilia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cecilia1204/pseuds/Cecilia1204), [Elle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elle_vee/pseuds/elle_vee) and [MyJediLife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyJediLife/pseuds/MyJediLife) for betaing and for helping make sure I'm not completely implausible!💙
> 
> [Kaybohls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaybohls/pseuds/kaybohls) for the lovely moodie on this chapter!💙
> 
>  **25.Feb A/N:**   
> Y'all, am so sorry to keep you waiting on what happens next, but Life has been kicking me in the metaphorical nuts and I haven't had a moment to write. Whatever has been posted was pre-written, so am sure there's a lesson in there for me, somewhere 😉 
> 
> I'll see you soonly🤞🏼and thank you for reading! MTFBWY

**Author's Note:**

> Big Love to my betas, [Cecilia1204](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cecilia1204/pseuds/Cecilia1204) and [MyJediLife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyJediLife) 💙
> 
> And to Azuwrite for the stunning moodboards she made me!


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